restarting completely (2)

[Powertard]

Last thread got filled up.

Basically momentum has been lost.

Was riding my bike and the handlebar came loose and fell off completely wrecking my back. Experiencing tingling and numbness in hands and feet so obviously serious buisiness which I cannot risk training through.

Been in and out of hospital past few days also due to unrelated incidence NOT to do with anything related here.

Due to being in hospital obviously diet fell to pieces so had to live off of vending machine candies and sandwhiches.

Just resting up now and just having to accept that life is giving me a shitty hand currently.

Oh well.

If this handn't happened I would be about 8 weeks away from my goal.

Now I am probably months and months.

Finally getting NHS physio very soon as my Dr is very worried about the neurological issues.

Just hoping things improve soon, unsure how much more I can be tested with this.

Really trying my hardest only for everything to go wrong all at once over and over.

[eggy790]

you say you were 8 weeks away from your goal? any progress pics from what you started with to where you got to? always good for motivation

[Powertard]

I was dropping, by calipers, 0.5% body fat per day. Likely inaccurate though. I was only on 1400-1700 kcal a day doing HIIT every day while doing a 4 day split on trenbolone. Only consuming essential fats. Theory was that the nutrient parting effects of tren with all the glycogen depletion would have basically "fooled" my body into only having the calories from fats being available to my body for storage...around 200-300 kcal per day. With a TDEE so large on an intake so small my body was very calorie negative.

Bearing in mind I still looked like mash potatoes...just less mashed per day lol! I'd rather not upload anything right now because quite honestly I am very embarrassed about how I currently present myself physically. I'd like to upload a before and after when I have achieved my goals

Remember I have looked good before and do have photos here so I am not BSing.

As of right now I look totally horrible. Cheating on diet etc due to hospital unable to do literally anything at all barely.I was getting my abs back, top 4 visible serratus visible. I'd have said another 8 weeks of such progress and I would have been where I would have liked to be...About 10% body fat but small. Not body dysmorphia small but legitimately small. 150-160 lbs 10ish% at 5 ft 7.

[eggy790]

no worries mate, not easy to function on such low calories while on tren, fair play, i crave carbs on tren, keep at it, dont let lifes lil challenges keep you down.. get back up and keep on going pal

[Powertard]

Thank-you I needed that
Was getting very low...tempted to binge badly
Everyone around me is frighteningly negative and it just makes me want to give up at times. I see my family sit down with a big bowl of ice cream, all overweight or obese, and they really make me feel bad sometimes.

I have explained to them and they are trying to understand now.

[Powertard]

Gah. Completely disgusted. Ended up binging. Ice cream, cake etc every where being offered.

I feel sick at myself

[eggy790]

its ok dont try to eat 100% clean set ya daily calorie target, using me as an example i aim for 200g protein, 175 carbs and 50g fat and then every 3rd day have a 265g high carb day, but i eat 70% ish clean, just record ya cals on my fitness pal, add a cake slice etc. here and there just dont go over ya macros, im sure i have a kinda bueno stick everyday atm lol but dont go over my fat intake etc. like u said before, u aint competing etc. no need to go to extremes, do what u love doing having fun along the way. my wife loves the high carb days when im less fussy on intake.

[Powertard]

No I mean I legitimately binged.

6000 kcal+.

Honestly I'd much rather not eat cake at all. I don't have junk in my house because when I cut I just can't have a slice of cake...No...I just go tunnel vision and the entire cake is gone. Same with chocolate etc. I wish the crap didn't exist Honestly. All these fake foods act like are drugs...you eat them and you just want...need more and more. Why do I need ice cream cake pizza. Sure it is nice but I just wish it all didn't exist. I wish all that existed was good whole foods not hyperpalatable crap junk rubbish which triggers cravings. I guess that is just me. I live in extremes with everything.

Autism gives people really bad sweet tooth and palate for carbs/starch.

For example a "trigger food" for me is simply just white bread...dry...on its own...just simply because of the starch. Deep into cut I have once just wolfed two loaves of simply dry white bread before.

Another one strangely is Jam...condiments.

Also low fat dairy produce.

[Powertard]

I do have major issues with binge eating btw
Having been 16 years old and 18 st 5 ft 6 for the wrong reasons 46-48 inch waist it is a daemon I face every day.

I would always binge eat as a way to manage emotions, mainly anxiety. Also I struggle with what is supposed to be a "treat" like a slice of cake turns into another slice of cake turns into a whole cake turns into me the next day getting another cake and a bar of chocolate then a multi pack of chocolate and then I binge for a week solid and put on 20 lbs of fat.

It is why I like to eat totally clean as much as I can. I don't have 50 g of oats then go have 100 g then binge on oats for a week. It is always that chocolate bar, Oreo, slice of cake, pie etc. One Oreo goes to another goes to a pack goes to another pack goes to a small chocolate bar goes to a family size one.

[Powertard]

It is a world of crap out there
I find once I reset my behaviour Patterns I am gtg. I imagine shit foods like chocolate etc as images printed on a piece of paper in the store....like they don't exist. I keep my kcal at maint at this time then once I haven't eaten crap and I have programmed myself to view these foods as images on paper with no quantity I then start cutting.

And it works!

What then wrecks it is then I have a bar and then your brain links the ascocoation to it actually being a food rather than something which isn't real and then it all goes out the window food cravings come back.

Your body doesn't need want or ask for crap junk. Your limbic system does. Reprogram that and how the prefrontal cortex evaluates it and you are fine.

Also. Your limbic system doesn't bwork in negatives. So if you say to yourself over and over "I don't want that chocolate/cake/pie etc" your brain actually takes that as "I want that chocolate/cake/pie" lol
Ever notice how kids are like "hey Timmy don't touch that stove it's really hot you'll get hurt" what do they do? Well they probably didn't even think about the stove first let alone touch it then what happens 2 mins later? "I BURNED MY HAND HELP ME!" Why? Limbic system. Toddlers run on the LS because the prefrontal Cortex hasn't matured.

We carry that child brain with us. "I really don't want that chocolate"="I really want that chocolate"

"I don't want to mess up my diet"="I want to mess up my diet" that then relays to the PFC and bam you mess up ur diet. Ever notice you worry about stuff then it happens? This is the reason why. :)

[Powertard]

Killing me being sat around all day like this.

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Maybe the universe is just trying to tell me something

[Powertard]

Maybe I am not meant for this

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Starting to think I am not meant for bodybuilding

I think honestly I have chosen something too difficult for me for the time being with my injuries

Sometimes it isn't meant to be

[Powertard]

Think it is time to call it quits for a while.

I'll just try to maintain what I currently have...do what I can do.

As much as I'd like to I can't run before I can walk, literally.

Also I need to mend my broken relationship with food before it kills me.

Might be off for a while.

Shame about being knocked off my bike, would be doing well if it didn't happen.

[Powertard]

Just hoping I don't go down the obesity road again.

So much pain in that past life.

[eggy790]

relax, keep it simple, do what u need to do to recover and just stay on 200mg test e a week or something similar, trt dose have it in the blood ready, 9 months 1 yr later whateva it maybe, your ready to go, train light , dont let yourself get carried away, light n plenty reps, 30mins a day if you have to, do things which dont aggrivate or make any issues u have worse, slow and consistent wins the race. we dont quit!

[Powertard]

It just kills me man
I go to the gym and I just get frustrated and I desperately want to go do my best and I see everyone doing squats and all the other exercises I absolutely love to do and I just want to go and do it so much

Like I love exercising more than anything in the world. Feeling your body move is just what I enjoy so much. More than anything. That feeling of movement in your body is just absolutely heavenly you know? Also the anticipation of getting under a bar loaded with plates and you're there like "can I do this..I don't know if I can" then you just shut your eyes get the adrenaline going and you prove yourself wrong. Proving yourself wrong is the best feeling ever.

It is just hard for me to go and face the gym when I cannot do much in there. It makes me really sad and frustrated. Sort of sneaking off into the corner and doing lwg curls when I want to be squatting and desslifting and improving myself really sucks.

You are right though it must be done.

[Powertard]

Oh fuck it I'm 17% I could just suffer like a madman and get to like 10% in a few weeks

Yes I'll hate it yes I'll loathe every moment but screw it.

I used to be super hard-core. Big powerliftjng numbers in a very small space of time.

what happened to me? I have lost my dicoplined edge. I lost my self respect. I lost my drive and focus.

This isn't me. I know it is just depression doing this to me. I got to my level so fast because of my superior mind set. Hell I even trained through an inflamed patella tendons..torn shoulders I made sure I'd get on with it and not take NO for an answer.

Screw it.

Not having this anymore.

I am better than this.

I cannot even believe I wrote that...call it quits. Jeez.

Not happening. Not until I am dead and burried will I stop. It won't happen.

[Powertard]

I'll just focus on what I'll lose if I give up and what I'll gain when I get to my goal.

I cannot wait to walk up stairs and not be on pain due to my new nimble body.

I cannot wait look in the mirror and like what I see again.

Life is pain and suffering. That's how it is. I just have to put it into a little box and get ON with it.

Christ guy next to me lives with no legs. Got scewered by a tractor when he was 17 years old and he gets through it.

[Powertard]

I don't mean to ruminate but every thing was going so well

Ah well.

[Powertard]

Currently out cycling

Not giving up

8 weeks of hard work

I am just visualising what my body will feel like without the weight on me

talking to my grandad helps a lot too

Biked 5 miles to my grandmother's house

[Powertard]

Lowering does
200 test 50 tren eod

Pathetic I even have tren in my body right now

Put it in just to minimise catabolism if something bad happened...which it did

[Powertard]

Heh wow
Onken set yogurt is a new addition to my diet

350 kcal for a 500 g tub
Sooooo filling and it tastes amazing!

8 wks from now I have my integrety or I am an embarrassment to myself and my family.

Just praying nothing else goes wrong!

I'd be soooo close to my goal right now this very moment.

[Powertard]

Omfg.

More crap to deal with.

I knew this could happen.

I have an intestinal bezoar from the husk.

All plans on hold
Could drop down dead within a weak from in my intestines going gangrene if it is that in worst case scenario.

I took an otc fibre supplement for 5 days and didn't drink enough water for a single day and this happens.
Why.

[Powertard]

Right.

Think it's time to be pragmatic

This isn't working for me

My physical and mental state is abysmal, I am 20 yrs old with the health of an old age pensioner.

Realistically this is unsustainable. I cannot do what my body won't allow me to do. It just can't be done plain simple.

This is a bad state to be in health wise at any age let alone age 20

It's just not meant to be for the time being
I'll just focus on maintaining what I can for now keep my body fat as stable as I can while I work on my mental state and numerous serious injuries.

[Powertard]

Drinking diet coke

It is apparently supposed to break it down

Small masses respond in 24 hours and within 3 days

I made my bed time to lay down in it. ALL of this was preventable

Just find it upsetting that I squat 300 Kg bench 180 Kg etc not get hurt...take lots of gear and I'm fine according to lots of medical exams...and then I go and fall on some ice and get a serious back injury and take 5 g of a fibre supplement with 250 ml of water and not 500 literally once and end up with severe GI issues.

Like I put myself in positions where I deserve to get hurt like lifting very heavy and I'm fine then I slip on ice and it costs me all my savings in medical costs. I take lots of anabolics etc...worst I got was puffy nipples and a little high BP occasionally and then I go and take some fibre from a health food shop and now I potentially need an operation on my bowels.
Going back to Dr tomorrow.

The whole scenario is a mess.

[Powertard]

Really running out of mental stamina now.

I would be at my goal in a few weeks if it weren't for:
A) some knob clipping me on my bike in broad daylight wearing a reflective jacket and driving off
B) handlebar grip coming loose on my bike causing me to jar my spine
C)taking some fibre supplement with slightly less water than recommended literally once

I bet I'll have a small fragment of a meteor land on me tomorrow on the way to the Drs office ..but it won't hit me directly or somethjg no it will like clip my leg or big toe or something lol

[Powertard]

What really gets to me is I know all the theory of how to get to where I need to.

I am educated in all the areas to do this...It is just my scenario, mental state and inability to accept my limitations that keeps screwing me up.

I really wish I could just put my brain inside someone else's body with the right physical qualities and just get to work. Like my friend for example...Really great build...good leverages thick bones no injures big hands wide clavicles. He is clinically obese and just moans about it. I try and give him advice and he just goes like "I don't want to lift weights though" went for a run with him before my back injury and he quit after not even barely trying and just went "I'm done" and walked home...and I am just Sat there in front of him like trying not to tear up because I'd do anything to be able to have the potential he does. I'd love to be able to run and jump about and lift properly and he just wastes himself eats pizza and complains he's like 40% body Fat. I have him a solid plan which would have got him to great shape in a year and he just tried it and then have up after 10 days and it wasn't even hard.

I'd be SO happy if I could just not have these limits. The happiest I ever was when I was broke had nothing apart from the gym and I'd just spend 3 hrs squatting at a time in pure bliss and the next day Sprint until I couldn't anymore and ride my bike and run.

[Powertard]

Drs at 11:50

[Powertard]

I had so many choices I could have made
I am in my position because of I made the wrong choices multiple times per day for weeks and weeks on end

[Powertard]

Been prescribed movicol

Instructed to drink lots of water

This is a nightmare that I wish I could wake up from now

[eggy790]

damn mate your anxiety and overthinking must be hard, dunno how uve taking the doses of gear you have in the past with equipose and tren and the like, either way lets think positive and be positive. your going to do this, even if it takes 10 years. slow and steady wins the race.

[Powertard]

Trenbolone doesn't mess with me a huge amount under 100 mg ED...at >=100 mg ED I tend to be more impulsive, anxious and a bit easier to snap and lack of sleep

50 mg does little. Get hangry on low calories lol that is about it!

Eq...cannot take it.

Even low doses of it sends me off the rails anxious.

I'll never touch it again, it isn't for me.

[Powertard]

Been to hospital

Xray of abdominal cavity

Looking like a phytobezoar

Not good

[Powertard]

Just been instructed to do what I was doing, drink some cola.

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This was going well initially
Argh.

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Still cannot train because of it.

Wasting away now.

Just looking like a regular fat guy.

[Powertard]

Sitting around cramping because of movicol.

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Back to Dr today

Block cleared! 6 l of diet coke later and it seems to have broken it down!

Jeez .Makes you wonder what it does to your body...if it'll break down a mass that your body physically won't digest then what else does it do?

[Powertard]

Preying for no more set backs.
Inb4 bike gets stolen (again)

[Powertard]

Getting back on it today.

Rehydration sachets and lots of water.

Oats quark Greek yogurt for breakfast with cinnamon.

If it had gone right then I'd be there right now.
Just so many obstacles.

[Powertard]

Went for a good walk today

Was pleasent.

[Powertard]

Had an unexpected turn of bitter sweet luck.

Stumbled on my bike on a pothole and somehow it put my SI joint and seemingly l4-l5.

Really enjoying being able to walk properly atm and stretching it out so hopefully it stays in place.


I just hope I can make this happen now, stuff goes really well and positive for like 2-3 weeks then something comes and screws me up

[Powertard]

2 miles walking today plus some hiit on my bike

Aiming for 2000 kcal today easing myself back onto cut

[Powertard]

Just came to the shocking reality of what I have Done to my body

Walking around feeling stuff jiggle.

I sort of had a mini panic attack Lol.

Horrible awrful feeling.

[Powertard]

:/

Still having issues.

Think this might be it

Lost about 15 lbs of lean tissue because of not being able to do anything and not being able to digest food for nearing a month.

[Powertard]

Heh. Looks like I've been screwed over by some fibre.

Of all things that would damage my progress the worst...fibre.

A fibre supplement completely buggered me up.

[Powertard]

This was going SO well.

SO well. Why did this happen?

[Powertard]

Another xray

Bezoar not clear....Just seems to have moved.

Surgery was mentioned.

Well it's in the universe's hands now

[Powertard]

I really feel I don't deserve this. I literally took one dose with 250 ml water and not 500 did some cardio then I'm a wreck.

Avoid psyllium husk for the sake of your life. Horrible.

[Powertard]

Just chilling out today
Isn't much more I can do for now but wait

[Powertard]

Currently working out a more sustainable cut

It has to have a small chocolate bar fit in there a few x per week otherwise I'll just pig out.

[Powertard]

Another xray
It has broken down!! Finally.

Great news. Dr was all worried saying I needed surgery likely etc.
Out of everything I have done in my life some powdered fibre is what nearly requires me to be cut open and operated on.

Amazing really, just seeing the funny side of it.

[Powertard]

Lol this legit has screwed up an entire almost 6 WEEKS of my life and my entire cycle

Electrolytes only just starting to normalize past few days

Wish me luck, would appreciate some PMs on the topic of cutting tips since evidently I am not very good at it lol

[NICK1626]

Good luck, believe in your self!

[Powertard]

Lol cheers Nick
I am looking at getting a coach to help me out. It's evident I have the drive but I always seem to go and mess myself up somehow so I need guidance, at least I'm self aware of this I guess.

[Powertard]

Omg lol...still messed up
Tried to train today and just cramped.

More rehydration sachets

Just going to laugh now at stuff going wrong

[Old_Runner]

Good luck...hope you get it all squared away!

[Powertard]

Well physio is starting soon
Honestly the main problem is my mental state

Being forced away from what I love to do has hurt me a lot. Nothing worse for me than being kept from being all I can be especially for so long...got to be 2 year since my back injury.

Exercise is my coping mechanism. It's what I do when I'm angry sad happy etc. A good day for me in the past 2 yrs is a day where I can walk properly and feel my pelvis move properly. Like i legit celebrate it when I can walk correctly.

[Powertard]

Not gonna lie...kinda just bouncing between "can I be bothered with this or not" to be honest

It isn't a pleasant time at all for me

[Powertard]

Have a coach now

We are making an enjoyable diet plan and sustainable hormone protocol instead of just white knuckling it and hoping stuff will be okay

[Powertard]

:)

Will be fun to do a drew manning type thing

Fit to fat to fit again

Hopefully able to train again on Monday

No more psyllium husk though lol

Never aggaiinnn